Please Do Your Part, I’ll Do Mine

(This ended up being a far longer work than I had originally intended. I wanted some written reminders of what I wanted and needed to accomplish as a father, and the more I thought the more I wrote. The result is a letter to the father of the young man my daughter one day may marry and the values I expect to instill in Kenadie and that I expect him to instill in her future husband – Andy).

So we had a daughter. We had not found out the gender of the baby, preferring rather to be surprised. It presented its challenges such as fighting off the pressure from others to check out the pictures we had that would tell us. We had to pick out two names instead of one, which proved to be a greater challenge that it sounds. But we could not be more thrilled. I am not sure the full impact of being a father has fully hit me yet, though I suspect it will come full throttle eventually. But one thing that has already begun crossing my mind as the father of a little girl is that one day little boys will be coming around.

A lot of jokes are made about girls’ fathers who say their daughters will not date until they are thirty-eight years old or that they have recently cleaned their shotgun in preparation for that first date. The same thoughts have already crossed my mind. But that is said tongue in cheek with the realization and anticipation that one day, one that will come far sooner than I will be prepared, some young man will come and sweep her off her feet and in many respects I will be but an after thought as the primary man in her life. I want that for her. Though she is but a few days old, she deserves it, as does every young princess in this world. But somewhere else there is sitting the father of that little boy. You are possibly harboring thoughts similar to mine as to the future of your son pertaining to career, hobbies, spirituality, and family. You likely have the same fears for the future of your child as I do mine. There is always fear in the unknown. However, to alleviate that fear I want to make a deal with you. I want the best possible future husband for my daughter just as much as you want the best possible future wife for your son. But that is only going to come with proper preparation and training on behalf of us both. So here is my deal: I’ll do my part if you’ll do yours.

As the father of your future daughter-in-law I promise to:

• Rear her in the nurture and the admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:4). I understand this involves numerous specific necessities, the foremost of which is teaching her the gospel in hope that she will become a Christian. How she reacts to life and those involved in her life will be greatly impacted by her faith, or lack thereof. The Christian life is the best life possible for infinite reasons, and she deserves the best life possible, as does your son. However, even more important than the best life they can share in this world, is the opportunity for their association to not be but temporary. I look forward to seeing and knowing my wife and family one day in heaven. Your son deserves the same hope, a hope that will only be possible if my daughter is a Christian. I will do my best to ensure that goal is met.

• Demand discipline of her while she is mine so that she demands it of herself when she belongs to your son. I know the blessing of having a wife whom I can trust in all areas of life. While I do not always know where she is, what she is doing, with whom she is conversing, or a number of other things, I know that I never have to worry because she has high expectations for herself, expectations she wants me to respect in my life as well. Your son deserves that in his future wife. There are far too many untrustworthy figures in society, people from whom I try to separate myself, and from whom I will do my best to isolate my daughter. You want your son’s future wife to be someone he can trust in all areas of life as they build their life together. But that will only happen if she has the character necessary to live life properly, in conjunction to the principles of the Golden Rule (Matthew 7:12). She will want to be able to trust her husband, thus she should also be proven trustworthy. That character will be built in the days of her youth, and I assume full responsibility for building that proper character, so that one day your son, too, has a wife whom he can trust and in whom he can take pride.

• Teach her the value of chastity and virtue prior to marriage. “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge” (Hebrews 13:4). Your son deserves a bride who is physically pure on their wedding night; a flower whose petals have been untouched by human hands. Such is the intention God has always had for the bed of matrimony, to know that the mate with whom they share that bed has shared it with no other. However, that purity is very fragile, especially is this permissive age. Pressures mount for young people to, even at very early ages, become involved in activity that is inappropriate and sinful. Such is ruinous for many marriages before they are ever formed. Thus I promise to stringently protect the virtue of my daughter. I will instruct her in the righteous paths of purity and morality, inform her of God’s expectations in her life, and lovingly steer her away from associations that could compromise that foundation for her life.

• Train her to one day fill the Divinely structured role of a wife. The Christian home, arranged by God, works perfectly every time when that arrangement is respected. As the wife in that home, my daughter will have the responsibility to submit to her husband, as unto the Lord (Ephesians 5:22). Your son will have the responsibility to direct the affairs of the home as he knows best, but he can only do that effectively if he has a wife who will be subject in everything (Ephesians 5:24). There is far to much activism in too many homes today where husbands and wives each want their own way, neither is willing to yield, and often those homes break. Your son deserves the stability of a Godly arranged home, one that is only possible with a wife who willingly fills her role as a wife. My responsibility is to teach her that role, and I promise to do so to the best of my ability.

• Let her know of the joys and responsibilities of parenthood. One day, Lord willing, you and I will be grandfathers. And we will have little bouncing grandsons and/or granddaughters in whom we will have so much pride and with whom we will never be able to spend enough time. If grandparenthood if half the joy that parenthood is, those years will be blessed beyond measure. However, as joyful as parenthood is, it is also demanding. It is fun, but it is far more than fun because it comes with extraordinary responsibility. This is a responsibility that more and more young people are not capable of fulfilling. Many become pregnant far too young, at an age when they cannot possibly be prepared for the job of being a father or mother. Some come from homes where they never saw what a stable parent was, and thus never learned how to, themselves, be stable parents. There are an abundant number of factors present today that are working against our young people growing up to be good parents, but while such may be used as an excuse, they can never be viewed as a reason for someone to be an unfit parent. Our grandchildren deserve the best parents they possibly can have. And a large part of that family dynamic is in having a dependable, loving mother (Titus 2:4b-5a). If we are blessed with grandchildren, my daughter will be that mother. And thus, whether she is dependable and loving in that role is a responsibility that largely falls on my shoulders. I promise to teach her that parenthood is a joy, not a burden; that it is fun, but not a game; and that it is something for which she must prepare, knowing all the while she will never be fully prepared. Your son deserves to know that the mother of his children will work to keep the home in a way that will bring joy and contentment, and that even when he is physically gone, his influence is still present in their lives. But for her, that preparation will begin early so that, though she will never be fully prepared, she will be as prepared as possible for that great role she one day, hopefully, will fill.

• Regularly remind her of what a virtuous woman truly is. And when I remind her of such, it will not be according to any personal values I have devised, and it definitely will not be according to the values society will pressure me to impose on her. When I remind her of what a virtuous woman truly is it will be by talking to her about Solomon’s Divine description of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31. When your son meets our daughter and as he learns more and more about her, my goal is that his appraisal of her will be beyond value (Proverbs 31:10). I will teach her to be industrious. She will know the pride of hard work. She will not be helpless, but fully capable of fulfilling her eventual role as wife and mother. She will learn to be honest, kind, respectful, and full of care. She will be taught how to be a mother and wife in whom her husband and children can take pride. My hope for your son is that when we are finished with her, she will be an asset to him and not a burden; that she will be someone with whom he can work as they build their lives together, living, loving, and laughing every day – finding the joy that God can give. Such is exactly what your son deserves, and we will do our best to provide that for him.

If I had a son, I would expect nothing less of the father of his future wife. But with all of that said, I promise to do all of this, hoping that you will do some things to prepare your son as well:

• Teach him the gospel. Your son deserves a faithful Christian wife, but my daughter also deserves a faithful Christian husband. She needs someone who will not only provide for her physical needs but also for her spiritual needs. She needs someone who will be a help in her journey toward heaven and not a hindrance. With that said, such is only possible if you make teaching your son the gospel a priority. And when I ask you to teach your son the gospel, I mean far more than taking him to Bible classes and worship each week where he receives Bible instruction, but I also mean you take time each day to help him better understand what God expects of him in his life. Our souls are the most valuable possessions we have, and the only way your son can help in guarding the soul of my daughter is if he is first proficient in guarding his own. My daughter deserves to have a husband on whom she can rely to provide the spiritual direction their home will need, and that can only come if you teach him all the counsel of God (Acts 20:27).

• Rear him to be a real man. No I am not talking about the standard social viewpoints of masculinity. What I do mean are those traditional aspects of being a gentleman. It first begins with respect for women. Please teach your son that women are precious gems who we should value and cherish and not expendable creatures who have no feelings whom you can use and abuse at will. My daughter means too much to me to see her have to endure a marriage rather than be able to enjoy it. She deserves a knight in shining armor. Someone who will protect her, provide for her, and view her companionship as being priceless and not worthless. However, he will not learn what it means to be a gentleman by accident. It is a lesson that he will learn in two ways. First, he will learn how to treat his future wife based on how you treat your wife. Please show him how to love a wife even as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it (Ephesians 5:25). Let him see the love that you have for his mother, not just through extravagant means on rare occasions, but even in doing little things every day. That will be the greatest lesson he could ever hear on how he should treat my daughter one day. But also reinforce those values by verbal instruction. Advise him in relational matters, letting him know what should be expected of respectable young men. When you hear of domestic abuse on the news, use that as a teaching tool and let him know it is never acceptable to hit our ladies. Or when a headline announces social trends in matters of intimacy, remind him of how such activity is reserved for the boundaries of marriage, and how there is a young lady with whom he will be able to share that one day, but he should remain pure for her just as he should expect her to be pure for him. All of this and more will prepare him to be far more than many women are able to obtain in a husband, because this type of instruction will prepare a real man for my daughter; that is what she needs.

• Let him see what it truly means to direct the affairs of a home. It is no secret to you and me that God placed this task upon the husband (Ephesians 5:22-24), but unless he hears and sees what it means to rule a house, he will never be prepared to care for my daughter. Teach him that the role of the husband is not the role of a taskmaster, who has under him servants in the form of a wife and children. That simply is not true. While my daughter will be subject to him, she should not be walked all over in their marriage. Let him know that when God created woman, he did not take a bone from the head of man that she might have authority over him; nor did he take a bone from his foot that she might be set “under him” per say. However, he did take a bone from his side that she might be his equal, his companion, and his helpmeet (Genesis 2:21-25). This is the role my daughter will fill for him. And yet in that companionship, they do each have distinct responsibilities. Your son will be the head, directing the affairs of the home, but always with the interest of the family, and not just his own, in mind. Teach him to be willing to sacrifice of himself for the betterment of my daughter and our grandchildren. Such is demanded of such a love as that which Christ has for the church (Ephesians 5:25) who sacrificed all He had on behalf of His bride. My daughter needs a strong leader with whom she can work to make their family as successful as possible. Help him to become that leader.

• Teach him to love. I expect my daughter to be the second most important thing in his life. Yes, you heard me right. No I do not want her to be supplanted by other cares in this world, but I do expect him to love God first. And this is going to be far more than an inner emotion, but true love for God will be displayed by obedience (John 14:15). I hope he is an active and faithful Christian who is working for God and seeking to serve Him with every fiber of his being. I want that for every person under heaven, but especially my son-in-law. However, I do expect my daughter to be the most important thing in his life other than God. She deserves to know that her husband’s heart is ravished by her and her alone (Song of Solomon 4:9). She should not have to wonder how your son feels about her, but he should regularly tell her (daily) how much he loves her and how much she means to him. That will mean far more to her than any gold or silver ever possibly could. But also teach him how to love children. I understand that they may or may not become parents, but if they do, he should be prepared to welcome them with joy and without hesitation. He should not have to learn how to love them, but it should come naturally. Yes, the world will probably try to tell him that men should not feel such emotion, and certainly should not display such emotion as I have described. But society’s cares should be of little concern to him – make him a man who can love.

No, I am not trying to tell you how to raise your son. That is obviously up to your discretion and I can do nothing to change that. However, man to man, if you desire for your son the type of woman I am going to try to make my daughter, I think it is only fair that you try to make your son the type of man I want her to have for a husband. I look forward to the time we can first meet, though I know it will come far sooner than I would like. And I pray for our children all of the happiness and joy they can possibly have in the world. Until that time comes, please work at doing your part in this matter, I am already working on doing mine.